10 days & Panic Attacks Feb 5 2013

10 days to go…

I posted this as my facebook status, I need people to understand and cut me some slack if I am a bit more than they can cope with over the next few days

today is the 5th
in 10 days I will go to the hospital for test to hopefully find out which of the possible 90 autoimmune disorders I have or if it is something else…
from now until then I am likely to have panic attacks at any point because I have ptsd when it comes to my health… everything rests on getting answers and I am terrified I will have to wait more… I have waited 21 years already
please be understanding if I am a lil insane the next few days

I have been ill since I was 12, it started with a seizure and a bunch of symptoms, got worse and worse to the point I had to be taken out of school because the environment was slowly killing me

Doctors would say one thing but never help you understand what you needed to do, then they would say another and 20 yrs later all the doctors want to do is say it’s all in your head, change your diet, exercise more, what happened in your emotional history to fuck you up this way, do you take drugs, alcoholic …. I have had doctors tell me I can’t know my own body…I fucking live in my body…wth?!

Last September I spent days in the hospital for a migraine that wouldn’t go away, I forced them to do tests and then forced them more for the ANA test and that one came back positive… nothing else they wanted to do showed I had health issues

But that test… ANA http://www.sclerodermatt.org/articles/better-health/315-explaining-the-ana-blood-test-normal-range

See that test is special… if you test positive that basically tells doctors to shut the fuck up! It gives validation that you are sick with ….SOMEthing…

When your score is 1:640 and normal tends to be around 1:40 …. SLIGHT difference

That means the test had to be cut 5 times before they stopped and said yes she is sick

20 years to hear, yes you are sick

But what am I sick with

One or more of any of the 90 autoimmune disorders on the market

Will they know this time?

Will I get answers?

What tests will they do?

I mean I know normal blood work, but anything extra?

Are there blood tests I should be asking for?!!!

I know they want to do an xray…of what?

She said maybe a biopsy of my salivary gland but will she?

Will they scan my throat for that one type of thyroid disorder?

Will they test for TB? Because you know tb can be in the body without being in the lungs and one guy tried to prove a connection in evolution that rheumatoid arthritis was the bodies invention to counter tb… you never know

Point is

What are they going to do?

And will it just end up being a waste of more time

Everything rests on answers

I have been fighting this for so long, I am tired of fighting and panicking and not living

The next 10 days are going to be hell


I need to sleep, I am scared of the silence in the darkness… it makes my panic induced fears that much harder to ignore

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