Start Here letter to the Neurologist

The following started as a random grouping of ideas, thoughts and sentences that strike me as important enough to mention to the Neurologist who is helping to treat my current condition….

As of this documents creation…

I am not SPECIFICALLY aware of the exact nature of my current condition …

Thus this document

: STARTING HERE :

Language

Often a single word will have more than a single meaning

Meaning gives power

Society becomes accustomed to thinking singularly and forget or have a hard time understanding the meanings and/or power that words can be used for… above and beyond the “norm”

Example:

Pardon me (England) vs Excuse me/ Forgive me (American)

Pardon me – This is very amusing for Brits in America. Most kids are taught to say “pardon me” if they fart in public or at the table etc. In America it has other meanings which take us Brits a while to figure out. I thought I was surrounded by people with flatulence problems!

(Taken from http://www.effingpot.com/slang.shtml )

When in the Neurologist’s office, I tried and failed to describe the trauma that has made such an impact on my brain… my life

I used the word “rape” … in French “violer” and I forgot that I am one of the few people that choose to use words beyond the singular/mainstream meaning

Yes, I have been sexually assaulted on multiple occasions at various ages in my life… verbally, psychologically, physically and there have been times when others have made the attempt but for one reason or another I was able to get away

But this is NOT the trauma that I was trying to describe when I said that I was “raped/ il m’a violée” by the doctors for the last 21 years

What happened to me had nothing to do with having sexual intercourse

The word “rape” has many meanings but is most well-known for the sexual violence taken out on a victim

When looking online for the definition of the word “rape”, I found the following on Merriam-Webster http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/rape

1: an Old World herb (Brassica napus) of the mustard family grown as a forage crop and for its seeds which yield rapeseed oil and are a bird food

A archaic : to seize and take away by force

B: despoil

Synonyms : assault, force, outrage, ravish, violate

Definition of RAPE

1: an act or instance of robbing or despoiling or carrying away a person by force

2: unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against the will usually of a female or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent — compare sexual assault, statutory rape

3: an outrageous violation

Also on the comments at the bottom of the webpage, someone started to mention a poem written by Alexander Pope in 1712 “The rape of the lock”  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rape_of_the_Lock

I confess I have yet to read his work but I did read all of the information given on the Wikipedia site and will do more research later

What I read on the internet page was enough to hopefully better explain what I mean when I use the word rape

In the poem, the author, speaks of how the woman was violated by the theft of a lock/a curl of her hair. The wiki page mentions that in that time, beauty was what women were known for and to have part of her beauty stolen… this was an offence… her beauty/status had been damaged… “the loss of beauty was a serious matter”

For me… when I look over these links, these sites, the definitions and even the satire from the year 1712… I see the word “rape” as having more than just one meaning

My life was altered, my future stolen and all of the people in places of power who were supposed to protect me… they ignored me, punished me for being the victim and they told me:

“it’s all in your head”

“lose weight”

“you can’t know your own body”

“you can lie to your mother but I just looked down your throat and you have been smoking”

“you can’t know you had a miscarriage, get out”

“why did you come here then”

“fill everything out and you will qualify as handicapped….opps sorry, you don’t qualify, you look too healthy”

“fill out these papers and you won’t owe the hospital money for your newborns 2 week stay. I am sorry but you don’t look like you have a learning disability or problem with paperwork, we can’t help you fill out the forms and now you missed the date so you owe the hospital $16,000”

“you can’t have PTSD since you didn’t serve in the military”

“I’m sorry, we are not accepting new patients/we don’t take your insurance”

“I’m sorry Ma’am, your daughter is too old for you to put her on your health insurance any longer”

“I’m sorry that you are 17, have a newborn, need money for rent and food but since you are living with your mom and her income is too high for us to help you…yes I understand you don’t have enough money to live on your own with your child”

“why didn’t you consult me first about keeping the child” (my aunt)

“to get all of your medical records, you need to know exact dates, names of all the doctors and pay $0.50 per page… and due to the new laws, you and only you can get your medical records, I am sorry but your mom can’t do that for you even if you are in another country”

“don’t worry, side effects and allergic reactions to this medication is rare”

“don’t worry, your baby looks perfectly normal sized from our scans (born 3 weeks early by C-section, first words out of the doctors mouth “my god, look at the size of his head”)

“stop faking it”

“you look healthy”

“stop being lazy”

And so many other horrible things have been said to me by doctors, teachers, family/in laws/friends, lawyers, co-workers/employers

The worst being my children asking why I can’t play with them or read stories or pay them the attention they need and deserve

My life was stolen … “seize and take away by force”

My rights were violated … “instance of robbing or despoiling a person by force”

My options severely reduced … “an outrageous violation”

My future is questionable and that scares me… it terrifies me… “PTSD/ major trauma”

The definitions of PTSD … “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” … can be found all over the internet and when you stop to read through what is out there…

You can stumble upon “Symptoms of Victimization” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victimization_Symptoms

The list is simple, only 10 things identified as “proposed as a distinct subcategory of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)”

I find I can relate to ALL of the things listed but there are some that really strike home

5. Paradoxical gratitude

6. Defilement

9. Second injury or second wound: Revictimization through participation in the criminal justice

Why do I identify so closely to those chosen from the list?

I am paradoxically grateful to the individuals who continually victimize me, for over 20 years and at the end of every visit, I feel defiled…

Those individuals are doctors, as well as others in positions of power, who are meant to help me and repeatedly fail me

My life stopped when I was 12 years old

May 1st when I was 15 years old, I was pulled out of school to help save my health because each day I was in the buildings, I was being poisoned by the environment

The school system was supposed to provide me with an education and they didn’t do that for me

I missed out on so many important growth markers in life because I could not be a part of the world

At every turn I tried to find a way to stop the sickness, to find out what it was and to get what was owed me as compensation

Everywhere I went, people told me I was faking it or they would not listen to the idea of environmental sickness and would not fight for me

Everyone let me down, everyone made me feel worthless and everyone kept expecting me to be normal

I have had so many medical tests to find out what the pain is from and I am no longer shy of what doctors do to me. I no longer scream at the pain they cause me as they perform their tests

I am a victim and have been repeatedly tortured, my rights as a human have been constantly violated and my fears have validation

My paranoia has validation

My ability to cope is a mixed blessing…

After reading this

Will he, the Neurologist and others… with all I have said, will I be understood or am I going to have to create another type of language so I can finally be understood

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