The Neurologist March 28 2013

Note: the visit with the neurologist, who shall not be named… mainly because I can’t pronounce it *grin* … was on the 25th and this has been written later when I had calmed down… visits always crank me up

 

So it seems I will need to teach this new doctor to speak my language

As with all cultures around the world, there is a the spoken language and then there are “other” languages

I do admit to having a problem with our ability to speak the same language…country to country… English to French

That is not the one that overly concerns me though

He mentioned a book by Sàndor Ferenczi called “le traumatism” or something like that, the neurologist figured it might… help me… in some way

The problem with this being that he is under the false impression that my PTSD, stress, anxiety, panic attacks are all related to the sex form or rape and it is this which is making ill for the last 21 years…

What I read about the author, via Wikipedia, was fascinating and although I could not find the book the neurologist recommended (in English and on kindle), instead I bought another book by the same author

This book is about dreams and should prove far more interesting due to the quality of dreams I have

 

Reading about the author’s style of therapy, how it differed from Freud, how they had been colleagues and the thing I enjoyed the most about the short wiki article…

The fact that…with my lack of schooling (pulled out of school the 1st of May my freshman year in high school), lack of training or significant resources… I was able, on my own, to learn similar styles or methods on how to think and help others

I am not saying I know all of Sàndor Ferenczi’s techniques, that I am his equal or that I am the equal of my neurologist…

What I am saying is that I taught myself a new language, what seemed like I was inventing and how, if you search, we are all capable of making connections in thought and behavior

We are not so special that only our suffering exists

Our place in the universe is so terribly small and for all of our differences… at the basic level, we are all the same

 

So that right there is the ability to learn two languages

1 English vs French

2 Untrained vs Trained

 

There is also the language Victim vs Everyone Else

If you have never been a victim, you are limited to how well you can understand the trauma someone else (a victim) chronically lives with

If you have never been a victim and you have no one in your life who has suffered and been victimized… you are even more disabled when it comes to relating and understanding the suffering of others

So again, another language I know

 

One language mentioned in the wiki page about Sàndor Ferenczi, that he learned of a difference between the Adult brain and the Child brain…

Example: the little girl is playing house and has her dad play as well, since it is her game/ her world, she plays the part of the wife/ mother and because daddy knows his part already, she keeps him playing that role

At some point in the game, she asks to take a nap, to go to bed and that daddy should go to bed too and be just like with mommy

By this the Child language means… to go to bed, snuggles and keep her safe from monsters under the bed or in the closet

Because, as a child, that is what she knows daddy does for her (the child) and assumes that he must also do this for mommy… and since she is playing the role of mommy in the game, this is what she expects from him without question or need to voice or explain

But

Daddy has the Adult language and what daddy hears/ assumes is that the child wants to be intimate in the same way he is with his real wife…

The languages are confused and that can lead to rape of the child

There was more written to better explain this, but that is the “short” of it

 

I, myself, have lived through the Child/ Adult language problem and I was aware of the confusion… most of my peers would not have been so mentally “awake”

With me, the situation was when I was 6 or 7 years old, I don’t think I was yet 8 years old at the time but it was during those years I went to a French immersion school and had been introduced to the concept of…

The French kiss

By which I mean, greeting someone by kissing them on the cheeks, as is custom in France

The incident I remember was at a woman’s house, she was my baby sitter and she was watching me, a young baby girl and a boy about my age that was related to her in some way

As of now, I forget if he was her son (but I want to say no) or a nephew or grandson

Anyway, the woman had been taking care of the baby girl, I don’t remember if she was changing the baby’s diaper or if I had asked to help

But after the lil girl had been changed and dressed, I remember asking if I could give the baby a French kiss

Even at a very young age, I was good at reading body language and how people behave

The woman’s attitude changed and she had this really odd/ uncomfortable behavior about her body… stiffness, cold, retreating back from me and pulling the baby closer to her

She didn’t say anything at first and the said something about how that was not appropriate behavior and because I was “mentally awake”…

I realized my mistake in the use of “child language” and switched to “adult language” to explain that I wanted to kiss the girl on the cheeks like we are taught in the French school

I remember her visibly relaxing, allowing me to give the kisses but this event stayed with me and I remember analyzing it over the years

 

As I stated, there are now 4 languages I speak and translate to others

It is wonderful when people understand and I have less to translate, being able to speak more freely

Often in my life I have had to play the role of profiler, therapist and translator

Few see life the way I do, not just due to life experiences but also to do with how my brain is “wired”

My 5th language

Me vs Everyone Else

I have never been what society considers normal

I was born aware of the world around me

I know SOME people are born with the ability to remember EVERYTHING in their life and not just a photographic memory but the act of being aware at birth or a young age and forgetting nothing

Not common but they are out there

Just as some people SEE colors or bubbles due to certain sounds

The brain is magic!!

My point being, I do not remember everything but I know I was born more aware than the “average” or “normal” child and I retained more than most

Sadly I am losing these memories and that scares me… I am losing control of what I was born with… part of me is being stolen

From a very young age, I watched people, learned, analyzed and tried to understand…

Not just what I meant to them or they to me …but … the “why” behind it all

Why was my hair a different color now, it wasn’t always red (biologically, in this life time, I have always been red)…. Being under the age of 3 and asking your parents why your life was different than before

Later (around the age of 10) this led me to look at past lives, a very good book I read was “Children’s past lives: how past life memory affects your child” by Carol Bowman

There were other books as well, Linda Goodman and her book “Sun signs” books on true crime, true ghost stories, psychic abilities, the works of Hans Holtzer (spelling?) and so many others.. I loved to read and anything that gave me the edge on understanding my peers and those adults around me… fascinating

With those came a number of flaky people as well… take everything with a grain of salt

I remember being wise beyond my years and using a larger vocabulary to explain this to adults

 

Being a toddler, watching your parents have sex (secretly as you pretend to sleep knowing they will stop if you are awake)

Trying to understand what they were doing, knowing it was a bad thing or a pain thing and trying to equate “sex” and “love” …. I was maybe 1 years old at the time and I still remember this

Age 4 or 5, finding a sex toy (penis dildo with balls) while hunting EVERYWHERE to find hidden christmas gifts so that I could unwrap them early, I was very good at manipulating the tape and rewrapping everything good as new

Seeing this “toy”… knowing it was a fake penis and my only big thought is that “oh… cool, adults have toys too”

Child logic being that I had my toys… stuffed animals, legos, he-man, Barbie and they all made me happy

Thus child logic dictates that as you grow up, your “toys” change but you still have things of one kind or another that makes you happy

I was capable, before the age of 3, to have rational thoughts that were WELL above my child language and child brain

 

Being maybe a year old and working with oil paints and canvas, painting a stick figure woman in a dress and KNOWING that all GREAT works of art have a frame but we didn’t have money for a frame

So I painted a frame on my canvas… problem solved

The hair on the woman was a single lock, sticking straight up from the top, slight curl and a bow in the hair

You see the hair was important because it was like the cat girl in one of the cartoons I loved to watch

I remember being younger than the age of 5 … maybe 3 at the oldest and going to a home run daycare

The woman had a large family and watched a few other children as well

There was a very young baby girl that she watched

I adored that lil girl, I don’t have siblings but for some reason I loved that baby

One day I found out that she had died, a hole in her heart…

Her death was very hard on me and helped me to understand how precious life is

I KNEW adults died and the concept didn’t bother me too much because they were all sooooo much older than me

Adult death didn’t affect me but this baby was close to me in age, relatively speaking and it was scary… kids don’t die, they grow and become adults first

At an age, younger than 5, this information rocked my world and you couldn’t tell me that “God” did this

At this tender age, I KNEW if there was a god, there would be joy if someone left/ died and left others to be alone… like when you put your toys away and go home

But her death hurt people and that just couldn’t be right

All my life I have been ahead of my time and each year pushes me to keep being more, I never get a true rest or reach an “end” goal

Yes, I have been through a lot of things in my life and I have missed out on many other events… I feel cheated due to my health

I feel robbed of who I was, fighting so hard to make sure I don’t slip away like others

 

When I told the neurologist, my huge trauma was due to the doctors…. The people that let me down in America… I said or tried to say that it was like being raped

What I mean to say is that you don’t have to be sexually abused to use that word

It is what we associate… rape and sex

What I mean is… rape… the act of violating someone, against their will, causing severe distresses, being a person of power that withholds proper care, having your life painfully stolen from you and all of the psychological abuse

I had my life stolen from me, I want it back

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